I really hate when I put food in the microwave and it starts popping and making explosive noises so I check it and it’s freezing cold like why you gotta play me like that
you know when you get out of the cinema and you feel high and drunk or is it just me
SOMETIMES I JUST FEEL LIKE A CAN DO ANYTHING AND JUST SO BADASS BUT THEN I JUST SIT IN THE CAR AND QUIETLY GO HOME BUT IN MY HEAD I’M TAKING OVER THE WORLD
1 universe, 9 planets, 7 seas, 7 continents, 809 islands, 204 countries, and I had the unfortunate luck of meeting u
THERE ARE 8 PLANETS, YOU UNCULTURED SWINE.
VIVA LA PLUTO FUCK YOU
I’m pretty sure “Viva la Pluto fuck you” is the best sentence I’ve heard all week.
my Dad makes dad jokes but because hes a physics teacher theyre not common dad jokes
"hey dad, whats up?"
"Up is a directional vector with no force"
"My philosophy is: If you can’t have fun, there’s no sense in doing it."
Rest In Peace Paul Walker (September 12th, 1973-November 30th, 2013)
Rest in peace
when i was 4 my dad asked me what i wanted to be when i grow up and i replied ‘daddy i want to be a cheesecake’ it’s been 12 fucking years and no one has let me forget it
Did you ever become a cheesecake?
Tony likes to make bird puns at Hawkeye.